Almost One Year Ago Today…..

Exactly one year ago August first, our youngest daughter got married. It was a gorgeous day: sunny, warm, low humidity. Pert-near perfect. It was a late afternoon wedding, and my daughters and I spent a leisurely morning and early afternoon getting ready. It was low stress and almost pure fun. We got to the wedding site where our older daughter did her sister’s hair and makeup before doing her own.  All the bridal party assembled, on time, and we laughed and talked and enjoyed the hell out of ourselves.

The only fly in the ointment was that the judge who was marrying the happy couple didn’t arrive until about five minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to begin.  About 15 minutes before he got there, the bride-to-be asked the wedding coordinator, Julie,  if he was there yet.  Bless her heart – Julie put her hand soothingly on our daughter’s arm, took a deep breath, and very quietly replied, “Not yet.  But I have a handful of people to call last-minute if the need arises, which it won’t.  Can I get you a glass of wine?”

And other than our then 4-year-old granddaughter balking momentarily at the flowers she was to carry down the aisle, the ceremony went off without a hitch.

And the reception – perfect!  The food was wonderful, the drinks flowed…. And flowed.  And flowed.  AND flowed.

It was never my intention to get drunk; it just kind of snuck up on me, which was becoming terrifyingly normal.  I didn’t get blackout drunk, unfortunately. I remember each and every cringe-worthy detail: every slurred word in the discussion as my husband drove home afterward. Complaining about unloading the leftover food from the car and storing it in the fridge.  Losing my balance and almost falling over as I got undressed.

Ugh.

And that night was one of my final drunks as I finally decided that I. Had. To. STOP.

I wish I could have a do-over, but obviously that’s not possible. I still have overwhelmingly wonderful memories of the day.  Just wish it ended differently.

But I can’t change the past.

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6 thoughts on “Almost One Year Ago Today…..

  1. No. You can shake your head and say thank goodness nothing horrible happened and I have moved forward to make sure it never does.
    Forgive yourself a and congratulate yourself on making the change.
    This isn’t easy. But it is so worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You may not know it now, but you will learn to be grateful for that memory. After almost four years of sobriety, I still find myself wishing sometimes that I could have just one. Thinking, “Maybe now, I could handle it.” Then a memory, very similar to the one you described (I have a variety pack of them), will pop out of nowhere and turn my heart inside out with regret.

    And those wishful thoughts about drinking disappear.

    Don’t beat yourself over the head with them, but keep them close.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think it’s interesting to read the “last time” stories. We all seem to remember the last time, the first time, but not necessarily all the times in between (as they are often a blur!) You can’t go back in time, but you can read blog archives! And so the “last time” becomes recorded in history…just in case we ever feel like “it wasn’t that bad”, the cold reality of the BLOG POST will remind us that it was. Congrats on your sober year!!

    Liked by 1 person

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