One Whole Year Alcohol Free!

A year ago tonight, I had my last drink. And I don’t remember for sure what it was.

It was a night like so many others; there was absolutely nothing remarkable about it. It was a Sunday.  I was keeping a food journal at that point and know that we had steak for dinner.  With wine, of course. And that, as was my habit, I’d made myself a big, fat martini to sip while watching “Masters of Sex.”

I quite possibly had a beer after the martini.  But I can’t definitively say for sure. The food journal entry ends after the martini.

I don’t have a clear memory of anything after about halfway through the TV show; my memory fades to black.

The next morning, I wake up with the usual mental harangue going on in my head: Damn! I drank too much. Scrolling back through the night before to determine exactly when it was that I lost my mental hold on the evening. Thinking: I’ve GOT to cut back! This just isn’t healthy! Hating myself because, yet again – it just got away from me. Despair, anguish, and desperation – my daily companions.

So I’m up early, re-watching the show because I can’t remember how it ended and God forbid my husband asks me what happened in the episode and I tell him I can’t remember.  He’ll know it’s because I had too much to drink and he’ll give me THAT LOOK.  That I HATE. The look that compounds the loathing and disgust I have for myself exponentially.  Because he’s the person I respect and admire most in the world.  And I’m so not worthy of him; not this version of myself, anyway.

A little later that morning, he sits next to me and we’re just talking.  Of course, I’m silently assessing whether he picked up on the fact that I’d had too much to drink and is, therefore, annoyed with me. But he seems ok so I relax a little.  Then he refers to a romantic interlude after I’d come to bed and says, “It didn’t even seem like you were THERE last night.”

And right then and there the blood in my veins turns to ice.  Because I fucking WASN’T.  I have absolutely no recollection of anything happening between us.  NONE.

It is at exactly that moment – that very second – that I feel the shift. An almost perceptible ‘click’ – as I close the door on booze forever.

Because I knew, deep in my gut – with every fiber of my being – if I didn’t stop fucking around with my attempts at moderation, or making rules about my drinking, or measuring drinks, or making promises to myself that I broke almost immediately – I was going to die.

And don’t get me wrong – I was beyond scared – I was terrified at the thought of never having a drink again. But the fear of what my future would hold if I didn’t stop was even scarier.

Any time I start to feel sorry for myself, or left out of the “fun” when everyone else around me is drinking and enjoying themselves, I try to remember how I felt the morning of August 18, 2014.

Do I regret quitting drinking?

Not for one second.

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19 thoughts on “One Whole Year Alcohol Free!

  1. That post gave me chills. Because it is just so familiar. We were dying. Or perhaps already dead.

    Congratulations on a year. That is awesome, especially since it is obviously just a milestone on a long journey of living.

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  2. Congratulations on your first year! What a beautiful accomplishment. Thank you for your support over the last few months. I have a feeling you’ve enriched many lives over the past year in addition to your own.

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  3. Had that thought too!! I’m going to DIE. OMG. And I did that same shit with mu husband and family, basically disappeared for a few years, was drunken ghost. Your post took me back to my day 1, very clearly. Yayyayyyy for you!! *confetti and a pink tiara*

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m starting my sober journey today. Again. The good thing about the second time around is I know what I have to look forward to. Silence & freedom. I just hope that this time I don’t let that voice in my head tell me that just 1 drink won’t hurt. Congrats to you. I hope I’m in the same place a year from now.

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    • Kathleen,
      Just don’t drink today. Make that decision. And then tomorrow, make that same decision. Just for tomorrow. Have you found the blog, “Tired of Thinking About Drinking”? You can sign up (for free) for 100 alcohol free days. You can get daily emails from Belle, who writes the blog. Listen to podcasts of the Bubble Hour and Since Right Now. Treat yourself gingerly. Surround yourself with your favorite foods, treats, trashy magazines and escapist TV. Play Angry Birds or Candy Crush. I can give you the directions to join a private Facebook group of people who are all either trying to quit or successful at quitting… everywhere on the spectrum. Email me every day – I’d be happy to be a sober support. You can make this happen!!!

      Hugs!

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      • I have found that blog & really like it. The last time I quit I did it alone this time I’m glad to see there’s so much support. I would love that FB page. Thank you in advance for your help.

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  5. I could have written your exact post word for word…except I am on day 6 not 1 year. Congratulations. You give me the motivation to continue on. Unlike you, I had a medical diagnosis on top of everything. My liver enzymes were messed up.

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    • I remember very well how I felt, about a week in. How I wished I had a medical reason that kept me from drinking! I also have an elevated liver enzyme, which only happened last spring. My doc thinks it’s due to the fish oil I’ve been taking. I’ll find out in a couple of weeks if it’s still high (my ALT is about 36; normal is 19.) We’ll see! Hang in there, though – sobriety is worth it!

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